Adult Children: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Setting sail on this sea can induce everything from mild nausea to complete drowning. How in the world do we navigate these ever changing waters?  Well, girls, the truth is- there is no direct route here.

There are a few points we can use as our compass, so be encouraged! Before we check those out, we need to talk about something a little hard. If either you or your children were a victim of childhood trauma, please get qualified, companionate help for you, or them. There is little hope for quality relationships, until these painful wounds can be cared for and healed.

The first thing we’ll discuss is approval. When our children become adults, they literally crave our approval like they used to crave our attention. At different stages, we may have to look very hard to find behaviors we approve of, but I assure you there are some. Maybe it’s a character trait, like friendliness, or generosity, or maybe it a recent accomplishment. As opportunity provides, offer your adult children your approval. Be sincere, and be brief.

Now for the flipside, and the even harder part.  We cannot, I repeat, we cannot, allow our happiness, or self-worth to be dependent on the approval of our adult children. If you or them, were not victims of childhood trauma, do not allow them to blame the events of their childhood for their present circumstances. Furthermore, do not allow their involvement in your life- or lack thereof- to determine if you approve of yourself or not. Whatever your methods of childrearing were- if your motives were pure-you did a great job. End of story. If our adult children don’t choose to offer their affection/affiliation in return…God bless them. But it is not your problem. Do not ruin the rest of your life longing for something you have no control over. And guess what? As you pursue your own life and calling- you may discover you traded the approval you so longed for, for something equally precious- respect. Theirs, and your own.

The above provides the segway for the next item up -assistance. Hmm. It’s actually not up to us to assist them with everything. This is especially true if our assistance bails them out of poor decisions. They absolutely will not be happy with our refusal to rescue them from their folly, or aid them in their selfishness or sloth. They will not however, reform on their own, or respect us either. It’s a long term lose-lose.  A wise woman told me once- if a child is going to learn a lesson from talking, it will happen the first time. If not- their only effective teacher is consequence. So surely, offer them grace in learning and growing situations- but do not stunt it by allowing repetitive bad choices. We can communicate that our heart is absolutely always  open to them – but that doesn’t necessarily hold true for our purse.

A word of exemption here. There are hurtful behaviors and there are harmful behaviors. Hurtful behaviors cause short term pain, late fees, evictions, embarrassments, etc. Harmful behaviors can have life long, or possibly life ending consequences . If your adult child is struggling with substance addiction, is in an abusive relationship, or something equally awful, YES, it is your job to do everything God allows you to do to help them. Please, don’t attempt this on your own. Again, seek the confidential counsel of qualified professional, so you know exactly how to help them best…what to do, and what not to do. Never, ever, help them sin.

Let’s wrap this lengthy one up with these four points of direction:

1. What is out of my control?
2. What is within my control
3. Of those things within my control, what should I control?
4. What does God want to do with me, as His chosen and dearly loved daughter, at this stage in my life?

And there you have it – the above culminate to birth two coveted gifts for Mama’s like you and me, at this stage, at our age.

Peace, and purpose.

Its high time for both.