Toxic Friends Can Be As Harmful As Toxic Food

O.K. Deep cleansing breath before we open this door. Are there any of us whose heart didn’t drop a bit when we read this title? Mine sank some just thinking about it. Some of us are still bleeding from blows delivered by other women,, the very ones who should have been our allies, to this very day. Let’s rip the band aid off, and give them some air…

No matter how we’re wired, something deep within us wants to believe a woman would never hurt another woman. Using the word “I” is normally something to be avoided. Unfortunately, the only way to relate said experiences which contributed to the following philosophy – is to deploy that pronoun. Your sister here- also happens to be perfectionist and a peacemaker (1 w 9 for our Enneagram fans) so admitting I don’t have what it takes to make a friendship work, is a heart heaving process.

There is no magic formula here but rather just a retelling of my personal criteria for determining whether to fold or fight for, a friendship. None of it is based on brilliance or righteousness, just personal experience. Beyond that, please know I take this subject very seriously. I can count on one hand (with two fingers left) the number of friendships I ultimately had to place in the toxic category.

1. The Law of Deposits and Withdrawals: If your friend consistently and continually takes more from you than she gives, in time, resources, or emotional energy. Of course- I am not referring to periods of life storms beyond her control, like divorce, illness, loss of job, etc. This is when the rubber meets the road in true friendships. Furthermore, if you find yourself in one of those storms, and she wasn’t available to you…red flag.
2. The Law of Disposable Commodity: If your friend expects you to be available at a moment’s notice to her, yet is rarely available to you, you are her (charitable) service provider, not a friend.
3. The Law of Draining Decent: If your friend is forever focusing on the negative in her life or yours, gently refer her to a counselor, or you’ll need one yourself.
4. The Law of Subtle Stabbing: If your friend seems to delight in highlighting your shortcomings either to your face, and/or behind your back, it’s likely wise to not provide her with either the information, or the opportunity.
5. The Law of False Flattery: If your friend values your companionship over your character, she may need a dog, not a friend. A good friend “speaks the truth in love” and thereby guards your Christian character as fiercely as she does her own. She speaks both tenderly, and truthfully, and she speaks to you in private.
6. The Law of Showing Up, Standing Up, and Staying Put. This is the encapsulation of all the laws of friendship. If your friend shows up for you in times of great joy or terrible grief, she’s your friend. If she stands up for you, in public and in private, she’s your friend. And if she stays put for you, long after others have bailed or moved on, she’s your friend.  If you have a friend like this…mirror her.

A final word: When overwhelming evidence indicates a friendship is harmful to us, it can be ended with the same truth and love we just talked about. Make it about you, and your feelings, not her faults. I once had to say, “I’m just in a place right now where our friendship isn’t healthy for me.” After you speak your firm but non accusatory truth in this way, you no longer have to accept calls, or return texts or emails. Someone who seeks to elevate themselves through your neglect, or demise, is not entitled to have a window into your world. You are required however, to forgive them, and never, EVER speak ill of them. Ephesians 4:15. Here endeth the Epistle!